ok where should i start? i guess with everything with an end has to have a beginning. I was born in Malaysia in 1981, my dad passed away 3days after. i do not know how he died but my mom used to tell me that he died of an heart attack. Apparently, according to her he was celebrating so hard because i was the first male in his family anyways he drank too much and passed away on the third day of my birth. To this day i do not know whether it is a blessing or a curse that i have never seen him.

    Anyways, a year after he died my mom moved to singapore with me. My family was split apart upon his death. It actually it shouldnt have come as a surprise to anyone because social ties were already fragile, typical of a rich and poor family getting together. You see, my mom came from a really poor family while my dad's family was really wealthy. I guess when two ends of the specturms meet, things always turn ugly. My sisters stayed with my dad's parents while my mom had custody over me. We lived very seperate lives, i am sure live was equally challengeing for both my sisters in their own way. that is why with have grown with very different sets of perspectives in lives. i dont even know the defination of a family sometimes. Like most other single parent families, i had to stand up for myself since young. Task i found particularly challengeing cause i was picked on not only for being without a father but also as a foreigner. I was never really anyones country men. Even when i found friends that except me the laws of the country never did. The schools i went to were neighbourhood schools, typical with "punks" around harassing people. considering all these factors i surprise myself i did not end up in some side street selling crack.

   I guess the greatest blessing that i recieved was not from the trust fund i inherited by the friends i hanged around since young. they always say friends are like books in the way that they transform you with what you have read. In terms of friends, you are what you hang out with i guess. Most of my friends were christian partly because we knew each other in church since young. To this day, i still consider them to be the best of friends.

     My stay in singapore ended after i finished my O'levels i guess am facing the second phase of transition in my life already because reality suddenly turned in my face. I guess i knew i had to leave singapore oneday but i had always avoided it as an "adult" problem. my mom was never really able to deal with serious problems in my life. i remembered the day that i got kicked out of singapore she was yelling at me for not planning in advance, cant really blame her now that i think of it. she suffered a terrible life. after my father dead she became really emotional tension from my dad's family made matters worst.

    I dont know how i ended up in Canada, when i used to be a fervent christian i used to listen that god works in mysterious ways. i guess the only clue i get is that some doors in life well close on you, even the doors that you have most expected to be open, to pass through. But there are always other doors that will be open. I guess the door to Canada was open and i took it. I never regretted this decision, because it gave me the time to be alone to know myself. somewhere away from my family.

   I never really knew what love was in my life. i seen and heard about it, but it neva made sense. I cant really said i felt love. my family did a great job in making sure love never occured. i cant totally "love" my mom when my gandma tells me stuff i should neva have heard about my mom and her family. likewise, my mom on the other hand tells me stuff i should NEVA have heard about my dad's family. My mom claims that being a christian, one should forgives one's enemys, yet why do i hear all this? You know ignorance is bliss when you think of it. and sometimes the greatest challenges in life are not learning, but unlearning what one has learned. I have spent the last five years in Canada alone unlearning this.

    The closest i have felt love is with a girl i met in Canada. We met by coincidence by going to the wrong class at the wrong time. I couldnt really have said that it was love right there but at least i could say i was deeply attracted to her in a strange way that i have never felt before. Yet it turned out that she had a boyfriend. god, i dont know why i clinged on to her so bad even after she told me, i guess the feeling i had was irreplacable by others thats y? Anyways it went on for about 3yrs but she never really accepted me in her life. i guess it takes time for a rookie to understand how things work. she probably "loves" me in the way that she thinks i am sweet and careing to her but not in a romantic way. Its really hard to accept it at first, its hard to accept reality when u feel for someone that much. but the truth is the truth. If the ends do not justify the means what does? i guess i learned about this revelation from Elsa and that whom i should thank. 

    Come to think of it this is getting really personal so i should put this on private. i probably have more to at on but just not at the mood now. signing out.